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The silver heart - chapter one

For the record. I have no idea where this came from. It was supposed to be a short excerpt and then it ended up becoming this. Its actually quite boring. Even for me. Oh! And rather depressing... So do forgive me :D

Questions. There were so many questions but none of them had answers. It was like starring into an exam you know nothing on. Trying to figure out something even though you know that there is no way you can figure it out unless someone tells you. That’s how she felt except there were no blank papers and pens. There was just this, a longing, hatred, all in all something she couldn't understand. It’s been a long journey for her and she didn't know why she's still going. She starred out on the speck of snow covering the valley from her window pane.
Just another day
she thought to herself. How much longer? How much longer do I have to wait? How much longer to have to bear the burden of not understanding things I deserve to know?
She looked away, closing her eyes trying to contain what’s left of her strength.  She took a deep breath and leaned onto the cream colored wall. A distant memory visited her.
"Gin... Is this worth it? Is all of this worth fighting for?"
She smiled; a soft aura of melancholy surrounded it.
"I ask myself that everyday... but no matter how many times I tell myself that I deserve better and that this isn't worth the trouble, I can never convince myself that it’s true"
There was a second of silence.
"I know..." She took another breath. "That didn't quite answer your question. I know you must be frustrated with me, I am with myself but you of all people should know what love can do to some of us. You can't wait forever. I wouldn't like that."
He smiled as though she uttered an inside joke. It stung, he knew of that too well. He wanted for her to feel better so much but she was in so deep and it hurt to look at. He suddenly lost the will to speak.
"Richard...I..." She muttered only a little louder than a whisper.
"No... Its ok" he cut. "I just want the best for you Gin... You’re always so hurt..."
"So are you... But I chose this path although I never quite understood why."
"That makes two of us" He smirked at her. "I'll wait Gin... I want to wait. You don't have to love me. I just want to be the reminder. One that tells you that even though he hurts you I'll still be here, I always will be and that only means you don't ever have the need to feel unappreciated"
Ginaliese could only smile.
Her mind drifted back to the present. Never feel unloved? She tried to grasp it but she just couldn't. No matter how much love Richard offered her she couldn't just reciprocate it. She's been taken for granted, hurt and forgotten and yet she hangs on to the one person who fails to give her the single piece of reassurance. Why was that? She didn't quite know. She didn't know a lot of things and she hated it. Why am I still waiting when I can't even secure a happy ending? What's the point?
Once again, she doesn't know. She made her way to the small bathroom. She couldn't help but gasp at the figure in the mirror. She could barely recognize herself. Her chestnut eyes were red and swollen. She's cried herself to sleep again, it wasn't hard to tell. Her normally neat brown hair was scattered and unruly on her bent down head. She had to put on another face, another mask to conceal all the other pains so that even for a moment she might just believe her own lie. She tied her hair in the tight pony tail adding a little bit more loop in the curls on the ends of the hair falling from the tie. A quick splash of water on her misery inflicted face and she ran out the door with a dark pair of jeans and a gray sweater over her white undershirt.
"I'm going now" She called out one hand on the gold handle and another pulling a dark green knitted scarf.
She walked out before she could hear replies. Not that it bothered her, what difference would it make?
A silver Mercedes greeted her, a split second after stepping outside. It was misty but in a beautiful way. The air was cold from the snowing. There were no snowflakes this time but the air was chilly either way. She wondered why she didn't dress much heavier but she knew that the public library would be warm and she would spend most of the time inside the heated car.
"Thank you Herman" She said sweetly when he pulled out the door for her. He nodded in acknowledgement.
"Will that be the library Miss?"
"Of course. Have the gloves I asked for arrived?"
"Yes Maam"
The chauffeur grabbed a black box from his seat and handed it to Gin. She opened the box carefully. A pair of satin gloves sat, gleaming in its silent elegance.
"It’s perfect. Give Charlene my thanks"
"Very good Miss"
They zoomed through the city streets. The town was always so endearing. Ginaliese has always thought she was incredibly lucky to be here. It appealed to her as something out of a life sized Christmas figurine. She imagined living inside a snow globe each time it snows but it was the last thing that entered her mind as they zoomed through the streets. She could no longer appreciate it with all the burdens she carried. In contrast all she wanted to do was run away from everything. All the streets now remind her are memories of both happiness and loss, both caused her pain. The library wasn't too far from her sight now. It was a darling two story that looked old enough to have survived the late Victorian era. It was one of the reasons why she loved it so much. She spent a generous amount of time around books. She always believed it was a place she can escape to, somewhere to run away to. It has never failed her before. She made her daily rounds there, at least once a week in fact its no surprise why most people already know her there by name and not simply because of her social standing. The car zoomed to the entrance which is a wide set of stairs divided in two by a faded green bar.

"Shall I wait for you Miss?”
“If it’s not too much trouble” She replied. “I won’t take long”
She got out without another word. The chilly air greeted her. She shivered and made her way up the staircase quickly stuffing her bare hands inside the pockets of her jeans. The library had an old wooden double door which is usually open but considering the cold they kept it closed. There was a different aura the library gave her. It felt more like home than her home did. Not that she complained, she was contented with her family although she was usually the most distant among all of them. The eldest was her brother, Tristan, who was four years older than her and was always found keeping the interaction between the family smooth and appealing. He was her mother’s favorite which is not quite surprising since he seldom complained and he rarely asked for anything. But Tristan was known to be quite bold and stubborn when it comes to his opinions and beliefs. Then there was her sister, Rosa Fiona. She was the most beautiful girl in the entire town. Her skin was white as pearl and she kept a gentle outlook in every single situation. She was the most endearing as well. She never failed to show that she cared and her voice was a soft as a sheer piece of velvet. She was the pride of the family. Maria Ginaliese followed. She held her own beauty but she was naturally over shadowed by her eldest sibling. Then there was her youngest sister, Darlene. She was five years old. She was the most likely candidate to take over Fiona’s title of the most fair. Darlene was restless and ambitious. She loved visitors of every kind. She was the little bundle of joy, father’s favorite. Gina always felt as though she had no place in the family, no title but it has never really bothered her as much. She would much rather spend her time in her room doing things according to her whim. It was not that she didn’t enjoy the company of others it was just that her family seemed less likely to be the people she expects to keep her amused. In a way she was the one to blame for her unease and she knew that fact too well.

“Good Morning Ginny” A frail voice called from the counter.
“Hello Augusta” She greeted with sincere gladness.
“We haven’t seen you in quite some time.”
“Well yes, things have been rather eventful”
She was never much of a liar but the truth was with all the thoughts she carried the couple weeks she couldn’t seem to find the ease of mind to open up to a book.
“I see” She replied curiously.
“I actually just came to return this” She said handing over a leather bound book.
Augusta took it without a word and checked it out.
“You aren’t going to take anything out Ginaliese?”
“Not at the moment”
“It’s not like you, is there something bothering you perhaps?”
Gin smiled. She quickly formed a stable stance. She wanted to open up so badly and Augusta would have listened with much concern but she didn’t want to for fear that it might reveal something she didn’t want to think about.
“Oh no no...” She said smiling. “Everything is all right”
Augusta gave a relieved laugh. It flushed a sense of sentimentality in her. She was glad someone showed she cared.
“Well then dear, don’t let me keep you from your agendas. Stop by on Monday dear we’re expecting a shipment.”
“I’ll keep that in mind”
She couldn’t help but quickly run through the library. The usual crowd was there. She felt as though she should come over but something compelled her not to. But there was something quite specific she looked for in the scattered few.
Why would he be here? She thought. He never comes here. This is pure insanity. This is starting to bother me. She smirked to herself. Hasn’t it always though?
She just realized she hasn’t seen him in quite some time. She missed him intensely but part of her feels much more relieved now that she didn’t have to carry the burden of him. She didn’t quite know what she wanted. She knew she wanted to be free from all this but at the same time she didn’t want to be. That never made sense but then again, nowadays, what did? She ran back out the streets. Easily spotting the silver Mercedez parked a couple of steps away which moved towards her as soon as she stood at eye’s view.
Life could have been so easy. She thought.
Her mind instantly flashed the numerous sets of discontentment and difficulties in her life, most of which included him.
…and yet.
With that Ginaliese climbed back into the car.
“Home please.”

Hmmmm... to continue or not to continue? I wonder. Although it does seem rather short.

shit happens.

You know what sucks? Love. Love in every sense of the word. L- looking back at the shit you want to get back but can't. O- overdoing everything that you regret later on. V - violating every single thing you stood for. E - ending everything you thought would last forever.

Sometimes like now things aren't making much sense and although the burden has lifted I can't help but think that I lost something that would have been special. Having the truth hit me in the face didn't really hurt as much as I thought since it has happened before but I just can't help to think that I was used and played with.

And I guess I still need to remind myself that some things are never coming back no matter what I do. Its hard to accept that I can't do anything about it. I guess some stuff are really beyond my control.

Well.. thats the bitch we call life. You win some you lose some.


What is a dream guy?

It took a "Me and Mr Darcy" book to finally ask myself that question. I literally cannot picture a dream guy. I mean what is the whole point of picturing this "perfect:" image of a guy in your head. How can people actually fall in love with someone they have never met? Although I have standards of my own, Ive never set them without a basis. Apparently I usually base them on my exes. Which is kind of stupid. But I guess I just don't see how girls can fall in love with set standards. The whole fictional character thing I kind of get. Since you do see how their life is like. Although you've never exactly, and will never have a straight conversation with the dude.

Man! I am like the most boring girl on the planet. But I must admit I used to have a huge crush on the serious YUGI. But that is completely different! Since I was like 7 and I never really thought about the concept. So for the hell of it and since Ive basically already started with this topic. I will create my own image of my "dream guy" (rolles eyes here). AND! I will be as specific as ever possible! 

Mr. Perfect should have black hair and brown eyes. The kind of hair I can tussle up and play with and eyes that are completely warm. He should be fair and have absurdly smooth skin. I don't want him to be hard and muscular but I dont want him to be over weight. He should be utterly cuddly because I am in love with hugs. (I honestly don't care how he'd dress but I said I would be specific so here goes) I want him to dress like "the guy next door" nothing too fancy or too over done. Like layers of polos on overdecorated shirts or something fancy on a regular day. It would be nice if he dresses in a laid back fashion. I want Mr Perfect to play an instrument. I don't care which as long as its not drums or something loud and electric.

He should be smart and challenging. Someone who do everything to prove me wrong. But sincere enough to make me win just to see me look happy. He should be funny, but he shouldn't be the type to laugh at his own jokes. Especially while he's saying them. I want him to be stubborn, the type of guy who you'd have to pry open to make him stop denying certain things to himself. He should definately be playful, like he'd grab me and tickle me till I crack. But when he needs to be he should be calm and soothing. He should be thoughtful. Utterly thoughtful, like surprising me for no reason. BUT! I don't want him to drown me with I love yous and sweet nothings. Every now and then is good but not every chance he feels he got.

He should have a professional view on life. He knows what he's aiming for and he works hard to get it. He should adore children. I can't resist a guy who drastically changes when he's with kids. Someone who looks at life to be something great as long as he has his family around him. He should also be considerate, caring, helpful and generous. Someone who cares about what happens to the world and gives to the needy because he knows its the right thing to do. He should also be prayful because I am and if he's not I'll drive him insane. I want us to have barely anything in common. So we can drive each other insane but still love each other no matter what. I want him to be organized and neat. I hate slobs! My gosh! They're unbearable. Polite! He should be very polite and shy to strangers cause that's just adorable.

I want him to trust me with everything. I want him to be the kind who knows he can tell me everything and should'nt be afraid to break down and tell me what he feels about anything. He should be very open but gentle and rational about it. Since I'm rarely rational it would be great if he was. He needs to love buying things and taking pictures, planning adventures together. He should be imaginative and creative. He should never be afraid to try something new, something totally out there. He should like going out too! To parks, road trips, coffee nights and parties. I want him to be very social and very loved.
Yup bloggers. I think thats about it. It wasn't as specific as I was going for. But hey! I tried didn't I?


Babies :)

The irony about people is that the young generation try so hard to be old and the old try intensely to be young.

Im not about to rant about the wonders of botox and make up. In fact Im not going to rant. Yea I know, so much for that. But Im actually telling you that because I have this strange motherly sense calling inside me. I want to have a baby! Apparently Im 15 and that is obviously out of the question. I think its cause I spent a bit of time playing with my best friend's baby brother today. I guess it managed to shake my motherly longings. I now wish that I was in my twenties happily married. So I can actually have a child! Yes I am that insane. Not that I don't enjoy the wonders of being a slightly liberated 15 year old who gets to goof off as much as she pleases...ish.
But atleast now Im heavily excited for the future. Even though the birth portion kind of freaks me out.

Whoa! Its a miracle! This blog is actually quite short!
Patticake's off!

Do you believe?

I currently wish to go to a mall :D seriously! I think the pre "yey I have no class today"portion of my life has worn off and reverted into what we formally know as BOREDOM. I actually went through all the "writers block" topics but apparently I am in no mood to answer any of them. So I'm going to make my own writer's block topic! Based from a question I still haven't managed to answer properly.

I guess at that point it comes down to a yes or a no. I on the other hand prefer to answer "in what?" Relax people I won't bore you with a theological sermon on faith cause that pretty much bores me too. Hey I'm 15... I get dragged  to church and I have to admit, I'm not exactly a saint either. But anyway, Do I believe? In everything in general? Actually its pretty weird thinking out believing something you haven't heard of or seen. Trust me. I get that a lot. Its like that cliche line that goes its like remembering someone you've never met

I guess when it goes down to that. I suppose I believe. That fairies are hidden in the depths of the forest. That there could be someone watching me as of this very moment. That monkeys can secretly fly. That dogs are planning world domination in their heads. I don't know. But wouldn't the world and the way you live be more fun if you believed that the most absurd of things can happen? Then we might actually have something to look forward to everyday. For all we know a portal to a new dimension can appear right out of no where (yes i know Ive read too many fantasy books) But why not believe? What harm in expecting the unexpected came possibly come forth?

I believe. Do you?

no class due to live burial broadcast

Good morning Live Journalists :D

Its a not so sunny Wednesday afternoon and guess what! We have no class! I'm sure most of you have heard about the recent death of Cory Aquino. I've got nothing against the  girl really but I honestly don't understand what all the fuss is about. I guess its just cause I'm not that politically inclined. I suppose I could give her props for being this 3rd woman on the time mag, only non corrupt president where she only started out as some house wife who's exiled husband got shot on a plane or something. But really! Am i the only one not going all sentimental about this?

So anyway my parents are in the other room right now (yes its a non working holiday too -- whats up with that??) watching this over crowded burial that's most probably longer than normal burials. I wouldn't know though since the last burial I went to is a chinese one for my grandfather where I couldn't understand a thing! seriously! It was literally a different language! Ok I'm drifting off again. So yea they're going nuts on this burial thing while everyone's probably stuck some yellow thing on their shirts. You should have seen the last few days here where everyone went all yellow. Yellow shirts, ribbons, pins and God knows what! Even the newspapers went all yellow which is by the way not so pleasant when you're reading the headlines at midnight.  

But main point is--- I have no class. So I'm all good. And just so the world doesn't think I'm "Pro Marcos" (whoever the hell that is) Rest in peace Cory... or something like that. I hope they go through with your saint proclamation or something -- don't really know what that's about since I pretty much just say that cause in facebook. Which I joined because my insane CL teacher is competing with this Bro Richie person and I was hoping he'd give us points for it. :D

ok indifferent 15 year old signing out! :D

the painful past

Name something you love but feel like you should have grown out of by now.
I will admit in my sad little world that I remain in love with my ex boyfriend (ish - don't ask - long story) even though I know I should no longer feel that way. And that ladies and gentlemen is how boring I will sound if I'm in a self pity mood. So while I still have this tiny hint of dignity I will now rant about any little detail I can think of related to my sad sad failed relationship. It actually took me two months of forced loathe to even barely shake him off my head. I've gone to the point of forcing myself to detest everything about him I could find. Then that low life bastard just had to go all "Hey lets be friends again and I can ruin your life by acting nice and perfect while reminding you that what we had was real". Oh cry me a river will you? Plus he wasn't the one who watched that guy she loved walking away like he had no problems in the world while I hyperventilated in the middle of the school lobby. Geez. Whoa! And now he's the good guy? Whoopdiedoodah! Because all that time I gave to try making this we can still be friends thing worked was spent being pushed away every chance I get. Ok that was the anger and frustration talking right there. Lets hear from low and pathetic shall we?

Ok let me be rational for one second. I guess it just hurts to think how badly you hurt out of a lie. Breaking up because after all that time of silent suffering you figure out that he doesn't love you anymore. It was pretty much a blow on my already broken ego. How many times has that same thing happen? Gawd. Its just that I hate being the pitiful victim (superiority complex much) And if that wasn't bad enough, I recently spent a night telling my ex slash "bestfriend" that I'm the avid supporter of his new found beloved. My life is just so peachy. Although I can't blame him I mean knew it was bound to happen but I guess I didn't think it'd be this bad. I've spent most of the time keeping my mouth shut and pretending everything's ok for his sake. I suppose I detest the fact that I'm still doing it until now.

So anyway since we've covered up the crap i call a life I guess I can return to my post sulking. Trust me girls ages 15 and below. Your parents told you to avoid boy friends for a reason. If you value your life and happiness, I suggest you listen. and I'm off! Arrivadechi!

hello live journal

Hello Live Journal world :D

Ok I've basically gathered enough boredom and decency to try figuring this thing out. So since I didn't exactly make much out of the about me corner which I by the way have no intention to change since I'm that fond of those type of things. I hate pressuring myself to talk about me seriously. But anyway I'm going to spend my first ever post introducing myself (no pressure what so ever)

Back to basics. The name's Patricia but I'm sure you've figure that much out. I'm 15. I'm a the perfect example for a petite person. Yes I'm small and I will make absolutely no effort to deny you all of the fact. I enjoy reading, writing and singing. I'm a huge fan of English literature, Victorian classics, world history and ancient civilization secrets.  I love music so much it cures my car sickness. I think Danielle Steel, Al Gore and Maksim Mrvica are simply genius. I have a strange weakness for the feel of new clothing and the smell of newly opened shoe boxes but letting go of my money is like jumping off a cliff... in my mind :D

Ok i am in love with the color pink and anything that glitters. But I detest the slightest idea of nail polish and make up. I pretty much hate hair spray too. I love fantasy stories, watching them, writing them, reading them or simply imagining them. I have a soft side for everything that may seem helpless. I like taking pictures and i adore singing. I'm actually in choir. I'm not a sporty person but I love breaking a sweat if the situation calls for it. I like mind boggling things and I'm afraid of ghosts and the dark. I love playing cards and buying presents. And i am in constant need of human interaction.

So I think that's enough for one post. So anything else will come as I type whichever around here :D Now I'm off trying to figure out  how to make friends. And I'm off!